Sunday, February 7, 2010

you cannot serve both god and mammoth

You can thank the Pleistocene megafauna for your guacamole.

Hey! Hey! Bill! I thought of an idea! You could make a new chili dog!

See, the megafauna were, like it says, Really Big Animals.  Giant sloths.  Woolly mammoths.  TERROR BIRDS.  Giant beavers.  No seriously, TERROR BIRDS.  And you know how raspberries and strawberries have all those little seeds in them, so that when birds eat them, they crap the seeds out somewhere, and more plants grow?  So too with the avocado!  Only the avocado has a really BIG seed, because it was evolved to entice sloths and mammoths and terror birds.  Then the megafauna died off in the Ice Age extinction event, leaving more avocados for you and me.  Think about it, would you bother fighting a terror bird for your guacamole?  I sure as fuck wouldn't.  But a parakeet, shit, I could take a parakeet.  Or a dormouse.

See, you could mix transglutaminase with the chili, right, and mold it around the hot dog and let it bond -- like a Scotch egg, where the egg is the hot dog and the sausage is the chili -- so you have a hot dog encased in bonded-together chili, and then you could crush some tortilla chips on it, and get a squeeze bottle of salsa --

Did you know that Super Bowl Sunday is the day of the greatest avocado consumption?  Of course you did.  Every other blog has mentioned it while talking about guacamole.

Okay, guacamole! A squeeze bottle of guacamole! It would be chili stuffed with a hot dog!  Or something!  Sort of!

Guacamole's super-easy to make.  I think the only reason people buy it premade is because avocados take a while to ripen, so if you want guacamole today, and you don't have an avocado, you don't have many options.

I bet it would work!

I have seen a lot of terrible guacamole recipes, and they all get wrong the same thing Kraft Foods did, with their guacamole made with less than 2% avocado: they add too much nonsense that isn't avocado.  I believe the best way to think of guacamole is as seasoned avocado, the way mashed potatoes are seasoned potato.  You mash them up.  You season them to taste with a little salt and a little lime or lemon juice.  Maybe you add a little chile or a little bit of herb, like putting chives in your mashed potatoes.  But you don't need anything else, and it will taste really really good just like that, honest.  Anything like mayo, sour cream, crema -- that's just filler, that's just extender.

Do YOU think it would work?

...I mean, kind of.  Maybe.  I know beans have protein, but I'm not sure you can actually turn beef-and-bean-chili into, well, a sausage, which is kind of what you're sugg--


Okay okay, fine:

Chili dog

Happy now?

So happy.

Geaux Saints.


  1. You are beautiful man, Mr. K. Chilly hotdogs everywhere thank you. (Apologies for the tequila-fueled pun.)


  2. Sour cream or crema aren't just filler. The enzymes help keep your guacamole from going black, and I've found them less likely to mess with the texture than lime juice.